Computer records and other records over the years

29/01/13 14:31 [Tuesday]
I have noticed as a general principle that when my level of ‘activation’ gets going the brain cells oscillating more (that is the neural structures with increased rates of firing) bring out memories of sequences from my past. More than this I become enthusiastic to organise and make sense of the remembered sequences. More specifically I have found that after interludes - sometimes very lengthy, years-long, ‘interludes’ - in which my thinking has been suppressed by dopamine-blocking medication (at too high a dosage: this is what I mean) I become earnest, and sometimes vigorously enthusiastic, to fill-in what I missed, not so much by thinking after the event - because the sensory data to base the thinking on has been lost forever - but instead by putting together what memories I do have to reconstruct the sequences that I think must have occurred. If I become over-concerned, that is obsessed, with thinking through what I should earlier have thought through (in the case of complete, and especially if it is sudden, withdrawal of medication), my thinking becomes confused and irregular. In the past this has led to prescription of renewed high dosages of dopamine-blockers.
For example in the summer of 2004 after I had suddenly stopped accepting injections the preceding autumn which I had been having at very high dosages since 1987, I became wholly overwhelmed with confused and mistakenly based effusions of thinking (part of which involved my sleeping very little) so that in September 2004 I was sectioned for the fourth separate time in my life and detained at Bassetlaw Hospital.
I am now becoming interested in sorting out past sequences, starting with the period 2009-2011 and working things out in reverse to cover those years, this period coming to my attention because then I had more-or-less ceased to upload an online diary. The interest arises on the basis that during and following my detention over the winter of 2010-2011 I was made to accept injections of Risperdal in the middle range of dosage which was not so bad as having very high dosages as in earlier decades but still it rather suppressed the thinking I would have had it in my nature to do. Since I am now on the reduced dosage in the lower range - thanks to the good sense of the psychiatrist who was responsible for my case during that most recent detention and for a few months afterwards - I have gradually over the months of 2012 to the present time been recovering my powers of mentation but without anything like the rebound (as indeed I regarded it at the time) of 2004.
In 2007 I had got into something of a volatile state - again because I had suddenly come off the medication I was accepting throughout 2006 - so that in December 2007 I fled the park home Dawn and I had been occupying part of the time, which was located near her family south of Doncaster, and returned to Kingswinford where I had lived most of my adult life - in fact up to the year my parents died. The increasing disorganisation of my thinking can be traced in the fact that I was keeping regular computer archives but these had become desultory by the end of 2007 and then petered out (certainly until I felt at the end of 2008 that I should try again to keep records of what I had done but then and until recent months now the archives I put together were irregular in time and disorganised in structure).
Nonetheless in 2008 I was still uploading an online diary as sort of a record although it was not such as to require proper structuring. Some months of that year - June and December I can say for sure - the activity in my brain was in such flood that I did not keep up with the blog. Instead I wrote my effusions in handwritten notes, and indeed some of these were scanned in 2008 and formed part of my blog then, and now recently I have been hoping to make it more complete. I was also becoming suspicious that what I put on my computer was subject to interference in the form of deletions and alterations and in tandem I was interested in recruiting help from real-life bodies - Government bodies, I mean - to look into and put right the wrongs I had suffered over the decades, and indeed (this leading to ‘amplificatory feedback’) the wrongs I believed I was suffering in trying to recruit the help.
The upshot of this was that instead of putting up an online diary I started writing to MPs (and others whose addresses I found from Who’s Who) and simply as a record saving what I wrote on the computer without otherwise much rhyme or reason. In truth it has been considerable work to put together the computer records from 2009-2010 as a dated diary, and I am still processing what I have before I can publish it.
But, as I said, I am operating a reverse sequence and recently included in my blog my diary from March 2011 when I was in hospital at Bushey Fields (the psychiatric hospital for Dudley). When I was hospitalised in September 2010 I was very concerned to keep records of what I thought was happening and did so in the form of numerous texts to members of Dawn’s family some of which I can trace copies of. Today I am working on January 2011 because that month I was on leave from what was a very extended detention and did some diarying on the computer whereas in the February I was back in hospital and have sparser records. The reason for this I’m sure was that the medication I had been on in the autumn which was resumed in the February was having the desired effect of reducing my thinking overflow. The records from February 2011, made in hospital, are in the form of notes within my Filofax.