Sunday 24 November 2013

Mundane life

24/11/13 16:47 [Sunday]
I’m at a bit of a loose end so I thought I might take the opportunity to set down a few facts about my mundane life of late, and especially how we are getting on with selling the bungalow.
We had several viewings scheduled in October. According to my diary - filling in the details from memory - Mr and Mrs B were supposed to come on Sunday 13th but cancelled. Then later (possibly on the Monday) they re-made the appointment and came in the event on Tuesday 15th October. We were told (probably on the Wednesday) that they thought the bungalow too small for their needs.
Mr and Mrs C viewed at 6 pm on Thursday 17th October and I think this must have been their second viewing, because we accepted an offer from them put to us via the estate agent on Saturday 19th and my recollection is that they told us at the viewing that they would put in the offer - which we said at that time we would accept - and we thought we might hear from the estate agent on the Friday but were disappointed. But, as I say, that disappointment was reversed the following day Saturday.
We were therefore able to phone the estate agent in Bawtry (near Doncaster) and say that we could proceed with the offer accepted earlier in the year for the house in Harworth to be near Dawn’s relatives. I think it was after the weekend that we heard back that both parties to that sale - a separated or divorced couple - had been informed and had given the nod. However the lady moving from the property had still to find somewhere to buy.
She was looking over a period of perhaps three weeks and the estate agent kept in touch, saying several times that she had put in offers but they had not been accepted. Eventually she put in an offer which was accepted - quite quickly if you think about it, the time she took to find a place - and yesterday I heard that the chain was complete in that everybody - the people she was buying from, the people they were buying from, and so on (although it isn’t a very long chain in fact) - had found funding and provided the evidence necessary to the lending companies. The last I heard the Bawtry estate agent will any day now send out the memorandum confirming the acceptance of our offer and we shall be one more step along the road to Harworth (because up to now the house we are buying has not been listed as ‘Sold’). The expected timescale - which we have mentioned to Mr and Mrs C buying our bungalow - is for exchange of contracts just before Christmas and moving day just after Christmas.
Mr and Mrs C came last Saturday - a week ago yesterday - to do some measuring up and any day now we expect their mortgage valuation surveyor to make an appointment. We trust this will go without a hitch especially as seemingly only a small mortgage is required. We have heard from the Cs’ solicitor with minor queries and out of that we are having our central heating serviced this week, as when it was done (less than a year ago) no confirmatory paperwork was left with us.
On the evening of Wednesday 6th November Dawn and I retired to bed at a reasonable time - not perhaps as early as sometimes - but I was rather annoyed (let’s call it) not to get any proper sleep because Dawn was tossing and turning. Finally she woke me up fully around 1 am saying she had been sick eight or nine times and had terrible tummy pains. I suspected appendicitis and phoned 111 (the successor to NHS Direct), and I must say despite what I have read they were spot on with us that night. I imagine they thought it might be a heart attack, and they sent for an ambulance without much ado. First to arrive was a paramedic, who could see much better than I how much pain Dawn was in. He gave her morphine and sent for a transport ambulance, which arrived about 1.30 am. There was a lot of waiting before getting into the ambulance and actually in the ambulance, as Dawn was given more morphine and they have to give it slowly interspersed with intravenous water (saline solution, I suppose).
They did then convey us to hospital - Dawn’s daughter who is now living with us holding the fort at home (or in truth asleep with the dog in her room) - and we arrived about 2.30 am.
The upshot was that there was a strong supposition that it was gall-stones (either that or very bad indigestion, the doctor said) and for gall-stones thy don’t like to do emergency operations if they can be avoided. But we were to go urgently to the GP next day and arrange for a scan (an ultrasound scan, it is) so that’s what we did.
The GP said it might take up to six weeks before the scan but in fact it was last Wednesday (20th November) that I went with Dawn to the old Guest Hospital and she had the scan. The technician told her there and then that it was gall-stones (and the gall-bladder was inflamed) so this coming week we are going to the GP expecting him to arrange for an operation. We hope it will be before we move - otherwise Dawn might have to start on a fresh waiting list in Bassetlaw - and if we remind the GP that we are moving very soon they might bring the operation forward.
The other fact of life for me at present is Dawn’s daughter living with us (as I said) and her dog. The dog has developed a fondness for jumping and biting at Dawn if she hasn’t seen her for half an hour (or overnight, say) and Dawn finds this difficult. As a result of this I am not able to go out - Dawn is quite scared of the dog - unless my step-daughter is in (and out of bed and able to take charge of the dog).
So that covers the salient features of my practical life the past two months or so.

Friday 15 November 2013

Thinking and politics

15/11/13 06:11 [Friday]
I have been thinking about one or two things but have not yet come to any proper conclusions. I have been thinking about my preference for understanding phenomena with less rather than more information. This ties in with the difficulty I have - and others with a similar mental make-up have - dealing with matters in physical reality while at the same time mentally 'processing' for them. One aspect of this is not finding it easy to converse or certainly not on any but small-talk topics (although there is an exception for conversations which are more talking to oneself in one's own thoughts even if in the presence of someone else and even parallel with someone else: that is philosophical discussions which are almost exclusively thinking and which typically do not involve eye contact).
When I was younger I couldn't even converse on small-talk topics, but now with experience having developed routines for such conversations without having to think, really, at all, I can perform them. I'm not able to gossip about people (or about such things as what was on TV) because to talk about people's motivations (or the plot or even just the sequence of a TV programme) we need to think to a degree while at the same time (if gossiping with someone else) interacting with the person we are discussing with. Again, the exception is if I am understanding people's personality according to some abstract philosophical theory and preferably one I have thought up myself, or understanding the plot of a piece of fiction (and even then, preferably one of my own fantasy) according to a theory similarly. These facts can amount to an impression that I am not interested in people (or in what's on TV, or in sport, or in countless other subjects a lot of people are centrally interested in) and there is a certain truth in that because it is the fact, I'm sure, that I spend less time myself thinking and gossiping about other people (or sports games played by people, etc) than the average person does.
I don't say exactly that I prefer thinking, but rather I have an inability to do both at the same time: think my thoughts and indulge external senses at the same time. This being so, it is comprehensible that if I can understand phenomena in the external world with little sensory data to go on, I enjoy it more. Twitter is one example of this, that is reading relatively few words from other people on the internet and piecing together my own understanding of what they are about or what they are like. A more general example from the world of the internet is to track down a person from the traces they leave on the internet, and piece together their life, or some aspects of their life. (I mention this because a friend I had at school has recently emailed me after more than forty years having tracked me down via the internet.)
I will add the obvious parallel with scientific enquiry, that is people like me make good scientists because we enjoy assembling scanty data and formulating a thoroughly explanatory theory based on that data. No-one has ever seen a quark but its existence and the theory behind it are inferred from what data there is.
The other topic I have been thinking about (of the 'one or two' mentioned) is democracy versus truth and good taste. Democracy - the decision of the majority - doesn't always give the right answer. Mathematics puzzles on Facebook have proved to me that often a majority get the wrong answer. However, democracy in politics seems a success, and certainly I am a believer in it. I have yet to think out how it works, though: for people overall not to vote into a position of power the type of candidate who might appear on the Jeremy Kyle Show - even though that show is very popular - but instead to bring forward and favour quite clever and sensible candidates (even though - another paradox - people when polled have a low opinion of politicians).
I am still thinking, on and off, about these matters.

Saturday 2 November 2013

Change in medication circa 2001

02/11/13 05:57 [Saturday]
I have been awake since Very Early and mainly I have spent the time scanning my diary from June 2001. Thinking to give people (my public lol) a flavour of what life was like for me without troubling you to read my handwriting, I transcribed one day's entries from the diary for that month. Finishing up what I was doing this morning I noticed a diary entry from May 2001 - scanned two or three days ago but not read through - which is very helpful in including a copy of a letter I wrote, this letter setting my life then in context. So that day's diary also got transcribed.
I haven't really sorted out very well the sequence of my life in the decades 1980-2010, and especially the years preceding my parents' deaths in 2003. I haven't been able to think clearly, either because I was on a high dosage of medication or because I was on zero medication and was then rushed and confused. I have, since being on the present Risperdal medication starting 2011, sorted out past years to the degree of understanding my theories to explain events were wide of the mark. I was not compelled to have medication at very high dosages since 1980 because of some long-term scheme to 'investigate' schizophrenia or the effects of medication in schizophrenia, but rather the compulsion originated in the incompetence of the psychiatrist I did not escape from between 1980 and about 2000, Anthony Dew Armond.
He retired sometime around the year 2000 and thereafter I was under the care of Dr Matthew Kurian, a much more sensible fellow. I haven't tracked down a record of just when the changeover took place, and I have pondered whether my greater sociability and greater general activity level since say 2001 were due to the medication change when Dr Kurian took charge, or, alternatively, from the advent of the internet in my life making it easier for me to communicate with people before ever meeting them in person.
This question is now answered pretty certainly from what I have gleaned from the diary volumes I have been looking at. I first got onto the internet and into AOL chat rooms in the summer of 2001, but already by then my interest in life had reawakened (following decades of nothing better than death-in-life) as can be seen from my joining a dating agency earlier in 2001, that is a dating agency which did not rely on the internet. I had also had cable TV installed in my bedroom (I was living with my parents), and my own phoneline. I had bought my first motor caravan: again, early 2001. So all these changes - and my signing up with AOL to get on the internet - had come about thanks to Matthew Kurian lowering the dosage of dopamine-blocking drugs I was by then not able to evade, and also putting me on antidepressants.
Words of explanation
25/5 means procyclidine (anti-side-effect tablets) from a prescription dated 25 May, so I could keep track of how long the supply was lasting.
I was taking ibuprofen because I had toothache (constantly for months I think) and I put it in inverted commas because I suspected these tablets contained improper drugs I was being spiked with.
Symptoms like leg cramps and nasal congestion I took to be evidence I was being spiked with drugs.
I was suspicious of the water my mother put in the kettle.
Over many years I particularly noticed reversing vehicles and could not believe it was natural for me to see so many.
By the Ancient & Medieval people I meant a book club
I did not feel myself responsible for things going well - for example successful computer programming - nor indeed for things going badly.
I was constipated a lot of the time I was on the older dopamine-blocking medication, say up to 2005 when I was first given Risperdal.
Diary entry
12th June 2001. [Tuesday] 03h50
I woke up about 03h30 (five hours) with an upset stomach. I have had a mug of Nescafé and some biscuits, and have taken two indigestion tablets, and now feel a bit better. Perhaps I should take another indigestion tablet, though.
The 25/5 and "ibuprofen" I took (22h14) have no doubt helped to wake me up.
The birds are starting to twitter.
(What I mean is the 25/5 and "ibuprofen" may well contain amphetamine.)
04h00. Back to bed....
07h22. I have woken up after another 3 hours (eight hours in total) with severe cramps in my legs and severe nasal congestion.
My mother has got up and is in the bathroom.
What else can I say (write)? I am having a little difficulty hand-writing.
08h05. I am depressed, for example about going into Kingswinford, which we are supposed to be sometime today. My mother made sure to supply the water for my coffee this morning. It was noticeable how she had filled the kettle.
I have taken 25/5 and "ibuprofen". I am not anxious. I am fairly "relaxed". I have yet to wash.
08h38. I have become rather anxious, now, about having to go out.
09h50. I went out on my own. I drove into Kingswinford and took and fetched sheets at Cavendish Cleaners. I posted three items and bought stamps. I paid for the papers and got a Coke. Now I have returned home. (Oh yes - I got What's On TV.)
10h08. I am a bit irritable and remain anxious.
12h18. Sibelius before lunch/dinner. It has occurred to me: I didn't see one reversing vehicle this morning. I am very pleased. But what shall I do this afternoon?
P.S. My rear-view mirror had come off when I went to the vehicle this morning. I have tried to get it to stick back. It remains to be seen how firmly it is now fixed.
All-Share down.
12h54. I thought I might go out this afternoon, but since dinner/lunch I have been feeling tense. It seems to be wearing off as time passes. Perhaps it was hot food bringing some drug (pemoline, probably) out of the tablets inside me. At other times, pemoline does not seem to be acting.
I am no longer what I would call anxious.
... If I'm not going out, I should get the computer running.
... I can't decide.
13h41. My rear-view mirror has come off again.
To be posted:
1. Order to the Ancient & Medieval people.
16h09. Mozart wind concertos. Tomorrow I have to see the nurse Fifi at The Poplars. I may go early to get in a visit to Merry Hill. I need a few spare rear-view mirrors.
All-Share down a bit less than 1%.
16h54. I took 2nd 25/5 and "ibuprofen". The computer is working on. I have said I shall probably go to London next Monday. I am thinking of going very early in the day. Last time I went I was underactive and didn't get much out of it. I could go to the Atlantis Bookshop, despite their letting me down and not sending a Crowley title I ordered. A. Crowley: not V. Crowley. (I wonder if that is her real name.)
This recognition is virtually 100% accurate. I have been quite successful as regards pattern recognition. I am unsure how much hypnotic help I have been given. They helped me write programs when I was on ASM [antischizophrenic medication] and couldn't think. They with a capital T.
20h09. The computer is still on. I went downstairs this evening and we listened to Mendelssohn. I was "high" and very talkative. Now I am rather subdued, after supper, and have unnatural hunger. I shall have to eat some chocolate biscuits....
20h26. I have taken three Senna laxative tablets.
21h21. The computer is testing now to see how many and how fast it can recognise. This run seems to be less accurate. The text is taken from a magazine, not a book.
21h40. Since eating supper my mood is not so elevated.
This computer is not recognising so well.
I am drinking Nescafé and eating biscuits. I might have a go at a packet of crisps.
22h21. I did eat those crisps. The PC has come to the end of what it was doing. I am going to bed.