09:25 06/03/2006 [which was a Monday]
[I was rambling about why for (or wherefore) www.colinbrough.co.uk]
The reason I do my website fundamentally is in the hope that somebody somewhere - or perhaps several people - will have a fellow-feeling with me and understand what I am on about. I suppose a more usual form of the same thing is friendship or fellowship in literal communication with one or a number of people, perhaps in a pub. This website version - and similar efforts I daresay by other people - is the schizo equivalent, having a low coefficient of reality (as formerly I might have put it): that is there isn’t too much literal contact, even verbal, even through internet communication as in a chat room (I am guided to some extent by [my wife] in not communicating).
Although I have no definite intended effect I am trying to produce through my website, nonetheless there would be a vast difference between believing (as I do) that it is accessible by one and all (however unlikely people are to stumble on it) and believing (as sometimes I have) that it is somehow censored or barred from general availability. What I believe to be the case somehow has a very great effect, even though the only practical difference is that if people can get at my website some result might with faint possibility ensue which will eventually rebound on me and I become aware of it, whereas if no-one (except the Authorities) can get at it the possible results are strictly limited. Consider Sartre going on about feeling watched, if for example you see a curtain move indicating someone may be behind it taking cognisance: there is a vast difference (at least for us schizos) between believing we may well be under scrutiny and knowing - as far as one can know anything - that we are alone. Believing we are under scrutiny causes activation, and in my case with my website spurs me on and keeps me interested.
There is also the consideration that my website is like a hobby, and gives an excuse (which however I might find in other ways) for playing on the computer, learning, and putting together what I hope are attractive documents of text and pictures (I feel though I could do with more pictures, but again I put the blame on my other 0.5).
Apart from that I have an interest in the subject of mental illness and a desire to be of help to those classed as mentally ill, for example that they should be better understood and better treated.
Wednesday 5 September 2007
Here's one I did earlier
06:17 05/03/2006 [Sunday]
I have been thinking since I have been properly awake what difficulties I currently have in life and in particular difficulties I can reasonably put down to the Experiment. Before I was properly awake I was in an unhappy state, and I was wondering what was the nature or origin of the unhappiness. I was also going over my suspicions of yesterday about the Toshiba A60 system ... and asking myself what problems essentially a faulty system or suspicions of a faulty system could cause me.
Because the overridingly significant part of my life is thinking, most of the problems I have when I have problems are to do with interference with thinking. In fact it is arguable all of the problems I have when I have problems are of this nature. Physical discomfort and pain are undesirable because they interfere with thinking. Unfortunately thinking is not measurable by medical people and disruption of my thinking life has been felt to be little significant by the Experimenters.
As regards the Toshiba A60 system, the problems I have had have been crashes at inopportune moments and slowdown of the system. However, these have led me to spend considerable time investigating the origin of the problems and thinking about the Windows operating system and installation when I could have been thinking about other things [....] The stage I have reached is that I feel confident the Sony Vaio (for example) will do what I want from a computer - what I spend money to buy a computer for - unless and until it is connected to the internet. Any software discs I purchase I feel could have been corrupted or could become corrupted by the Authorities and after installation (say on the Sony Vaio) I would be more prone to system problems than one statistically should be in the nature of the risk attaching to bought (or free) software. (A problem this causes me is reluctance to buy software discs I might otherwise benefit from or enjoy.)
A major problem caused by a system crash is loss of information. This leads me to buy many discs for backing up to and spend a lot of time backing up. Apart from that there is the time spent recovering the system (and the knock-on requirement mentioned above to spend time unravelling why it happened and trying to prevent a recurrence).
Also (I may say) distortion of information is a considerable disruption, or suspicions I have of distortion. In the past for example I have not trusted books I have bought on drugs and their effects, feeling they could have been interfered with or ‘planted’ for me to look at. The origin of these suspicions was in notions I had in the early 1980s when (affected by amphetamine) I read certain books that they were perverse and had been specially reprinted. Thus the after-effect of amphetamine can go on for decades.
From http://www.colinbrough.co.uk
I have been thinking since I have been properly awake what difficulties I currently have in life and in particular difficulties I can reasonably put down to the Experiment. Before I was properly awake I was in an unhappy state, and I was wondering what was the nature or origin of the unhappiness. I was also going over my suspicions of yesterday about the Toshiba A60 system ... and asking myself what problems essentially a faulty system or suspicions of a faulty system could cause me.
Because the overridingly significant part of my life is thinking, most of the problems I have when I have problems are to do with interference with thinking. In fact it is arguable all of the problems I have when I have problems are of this nature. Physical discomfort and pain are undesirable because they interfere with thinking. Unfortunately thinking is not measurable by medical people and disruption of my thinking life has been felt to be little significant by the Experimenters.
As regards the Toshiba A60 system, the problems I have had have been crashes at inopportune moments and slowdown of the system. However, these have led me to spend considerable time investigating the origin of the problems and thinking about the Windows operating system and installation when I could have been thinking about other things [....] The stage I have reached is that I feel confident the Sony Vaio (for example) will do what I want from a computer - what I spend money to buy a computer for - unless and until it is connected to the internet. Any software discs I purchase I feel could have been corrupted or could become corrupted by the Authorities and after installation (say on the Sony Vaio) I would be more prone to system problems than one statistically should be in the nature of the risk attaching to bought (or free) software. (A problem this causes me is reluctance to buy software discs I might otherwise benefit from or enjoy.)
A major problem caused by a system crash is loss of information. This leads me to buy many discs for backing up to and spend a lot of time backing up. Apart from that there is the time spent recovering the system (and the knock-on requirement mentioned above to spend time unravelling why it happened and trying to prevent a recurrence).
Also (I may say) distortion of information is a considerable disruption, or suspicions I have of distortion. In the past for example I have not trusted books I have bought on drugs and their effects, feeling they could have been interfered with or ‘planted’ for me to look at. The origin of these suspicions was in notions I had in the early 1980s when (affected by amphetamine) I read certain books that they were perverse and had been specially reprinted. Thus the after-effect of amphetamine can go on for decades.
From http://www.colinbrough.co.uk
Tuesday 10 July 2007
Yet another new blog
I am trying to spread the word on my mental health (and mental health matters in general, and even mental illness matters) so on the basis that searchers after schizophrenia might well search blogger blogs I am here too. My healthy interests include as well as mental illness, character recognition.
Because I need to get up-to-date with our budget this morning I leave now with the advice (or request) that you look at www.colinbrough.co.uk at leisure.
Because I need to get up-to-date with our budget this morning I leave now with the advice (or request) that you look at www.colinbrough.co.uk at leisure.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)