09/07/08 05:53 [Wednesday]

On Tuesday 20 May 2008 I was delving quite deeply into the origin of the Experiment towards the end of my first term as a student at Cambridge University, that is around the month November 1974. It has been my belief occasionally in the past two or three months that some sort of official enquiry is going on into the way - the criminal way, if the truth be found out - I have been treated in the course of the Experiment. Something I overheard on a bus or train from a fellow traveller supported this view: she suggested (by my way of interpreting what she said) that I should go along with being spoken to hypnotically so that I could say things in evidence more to the point (because about then - perhaps two months back - I was rambling rather in my outspoken remarks on buses, under the influence of the drugs then successfully thrust on me). It might be, of course - presuming firstly that what I overheard was anything to do with my situation at all, and not merely an ‘idea of reference’ blown up by the effect then of drugs on my brain - that she was an agent of the Authorities intent simply on tricking me one way or another into allowing hypnotising voices to reach my ears at night without combating it at all. That would be for the purposes of the present-day Experimenters and not for my benefit in the least. (I must say my constant fear when I make remarks such as these which sensible people might read and take - as one would, at face value - to be delusional, is that the sensible people will have the truth withheld from them - even MPs, who many of them will take little particular interest in the unpopular question of mental health - and therefore I shall not be protecting myself, as is my intention in spreading the truth about what has gone on, from future mis-treatment on the pretend basis that I am mentally ill.)

So I might be led to imagine that the ideas in my mind on Tuesday 20 May 2008 were a result of nighttime voicing inviting me to remember and present (on my website) evidence from the past of the way I was mis-treated. On the whole - re-reading what I said that day and preceding days - my conclusion is that the reason the origin of the Experiment in the 1970s was in my mind was that I was just recovering from another bout of being drugged, that is drugged in a way reminding me of the past and drawing forth reflections on the past as the ability to think returned as the drugs wore off.

Presumably the reason is similar this morning, why I am trying to tidy up loose ends as regards evidence I have been putting together from the 1970s. In recent days I have suffered drugging with the antidopamine drugs which bring back the past, bring it back more forcefully as the effect of the drugs recedes in their aftermath. The upshot of this is that I have added images showing letters from my parents, for example one from February 1975 which I have added after the diary entry at 20/05/08 11:40.

You are also invited to read excerpts from my recent diary [now at colinbrough.co.uk]. Astute readers will observe the effect on my thinking and way of expressing myself as drugs affecting me up to the weekend have worn off.

Do people honestly not understand what's wrong?

I can’t tell how genuine are the enquiries what it is that’s bad about being given antischizophrenic drugs, in my own experience which is all I can speak of (plus Dawn’s I suppose to a degree). Sometimes the enquiries strike me as near to being cynical ways of getting round my objections, or perhaps objections put forward either on my behalf or on the behalf generally of patients subjected to such drugging, with the intention (this fear is in my mind this morning since the failure of any help from the Drinking Water Inspectorate, meaning I cannot know the circumstances of drugging our water supply and cannot be at all sanguine it will not resume) of continuing by hook or by crook to foist these drugs on me.

The thing is, what I have lately been complaining about I should have complained about before, but was stilled by the drugs given at the time. What I have suffered as a result of perpetrations I am now complaining about range over various types of negative experience including physical hurt, loss or waste of my money and waste of my time and effort. In Bristol police cells in September 2004 I was physically hurt, and while I did complain towards the beginning of 2005 I did not sufficiently pursue the complaint, and (naturally enough) nobody else looked out adequately for me (especially since it was an ‘official body’ sanctioning what it was I was complaining about - over-use of force by a security firm employed by some ‘health authority’ - and that official body or a related official body was the body which would have provided any support to look out for me: just like patients’ advocates for hospitalised mental patients, and even the solicitors patients are provided with, being part of the Mental Health system running the entire show).

I lose money (as one example) from the interference with the postal service, which means I cannot presume as the average citizen can that almost all his letters posted in the ordinary way will be delivered reasonably promptly. I need to pay to record the delivery, at least, so as to be sure the letter has in fact been delivered, and when.

Waste of my time and effort includes inefficient procedures I adopt when my mind is fuddled by drugs, sometimes (especially in the past) leading me to experience severe frustration because nothing I try delivers the required result in anything like the ordinarily acceptable way. And (baffling in the extreme to us non-psychiatrists) these frustrations have been deliberately engineered, presumably (this is all I can guess) to observe the ways I try to get round obstacles. A simple (but frequent) example of this is to be found in my attempts (and Dawn’s since she has joined with me) to use public payphones. It cannot be an ordinary average statistic that everyone who phones BT has to wait half an hour or more for an answer. Such frustrations get exaggerated through (1) fear that the consequences may include further suffering along the lines of detention and drugging; and (2) not having anything else in mind at the same time as an interesting and happy-making diversion (ie if the antischizophrenic drugs cause me at the time to have an almost completely empty mind).

All I can hope is that publicising the ridiculous way I have been treated will make it known and understood by a wide audience, and hope this will deter much in future of the same.

Yet another new blog

I am trying to spread the word on my mental health (and mental health matters in general, and even mental illness matters) so on the basis that searchers after schizophrenia might well search blogger blogs I am here too. My healthy interests include as well as mental illness, character recognition.

Because I need to get up-to-date with our budget this morning I leave now with the advice (or request) that you look at www.colinbrough.co.uk at leisure.