Another one again

09:25 06/03/2006 [which was a Monday]

[I was rambling about why for (or wherefore) www.colinbrough.co.uk]

The reason I do my website fundamentally is in the hope that somebody somewhere - or perhaps several people - will have a fellow-feeling with me and understand what I am on about. I suppose a more usual form of the same thing is friendship or fellowship in literal communication with one or a number of people, perhaps in a pub. This website version - and similar efforts I daresay by other people - is the schizo equivalent, having a low coefficient of reality (as formerly I might have put it): that is there isn’t too much literal contact, even verbal, even through internet communication as in a chat room (I am guided to some extent by [my wife] in not communicating).

Although I have no definite intended effect I am trying to produce through my website, nonetheless there would be a vast difference between believing (as I do) that it is accessible by one and all (however unlikely people are to stumble on it) and believing (as sometimes I have) that it is somehow censored or barred from general availability. What I believe to be the case somehow has a very great effect, even though the only practical difference is that if people can get at my website some result might with faint possibility ensue which will eventually rebound on me and I become aware of it, whereas if no-one (except the Authorities) can get at it the possible results are strictly limited. Consider Sartre going on about feeling watched, if for example you see a curtain move indicating someone may be behind it taking cognisance: there is a vast difference (at least for us schizos) between believing we may well be under scrutiny and knowing - as far as one can know anything - that we are alone. Believing we are under scrutiny causes activation, and in my case with my website spurs me on and keeps me interested.

There is also the consideration that my website is like a hobby, and gives an excuse (which however I might find in other ways) for playing on the computer, learning, and putting together what I hope are attractive documents of text and pictures (I feel though I could do with more pictures, but again I put the blame on my other 0.5).

Apart from that I have an interest in the subject of mental illness and a desire to be of help to those classed as mentally ill, for example that they should be better understood and better treated.