Feelings of urgency

24/05/12 15:03 [Thursday]
I was on a bus the other day going down into the centre of Kingswinford and it broke down. I felt a little of the urgency which I used to experience, that is urgency kin to anxiety but not exactly the same thing, and this led me to have thoughts on how I was then (without dopamine-blocking medication) versus how I am now (with it). I can't remember just what I had in mind to do when I got to Kingswinford on the occasion I am referring to, but part of it was to go to the café in the Co-op. Likely the rest of it was simply to do my shopping in the Co-op. Anyway, when the bus broke down and we had to get off and wait for the next, I felt as though I might do less well by being later in the Co-op café. On reflection, I realised it was not necessarily so - in fact I might do better later as it might be less busy - and what the basis was of my feeling was simple urgency without working things out. This sense of urgency which (as I say) I had in Spades when I was not on any dopamine-blocking medication derives from, just so, the high levels of dopamine being transmitted in my brain. In the past (not on the medication) I rushed to get things done without any pause for comparing possibilities - more efficient ways of getting the things done - or for consideration whether the things needed doing at all. The things I rushed to get done had to do with basic notions I had what I might be stymied in, and if I suffered frustration and especially in cases - and this possibly included all cases where I came upon any impediment - where I suspected I was being deliberately thwarted by human agency, I became more concerned with the things to be done and more urgent about getting them done. The most usual cases where I felt deliberately thwarted involved the computer systems I used, and I suppose this fact arose from the complexity that computer systems have (making me suspect some human agency must be behind the complex things going wrong, I mean). Simpler things going wrong - a bus breaking down or a train meeting a hold-up - I thought in all instances must be deliberately aimed at myself, but I laughed at them instead of feeling rushed. It was as though I found frustrations beneath contempt except in the complex cases, and in these I did get involved in trying to solve them or get round them.
Of most concern to me was the idea - arising from natural computer malfunction or less-than-perfect system performance, I now see (and mainly arising from faulty reading from or writing to optical discs) - that my computer records might be subject to loss or theft. I have explained recently the ideas I used to have - which still persist although in a more theoretical sense than before - about keeping a record of my activities and especially the activity in my mind (a diary in fact) as a means of preserving them in a sort of immortality. Well, my concern with records of this type was what led to the concern I had about losing my records this concern rising to great heights of urgency if there was any indication I was 'under attack' and subject to deliberate loss say through theft. The outcome of this urgent concern was my making many backups on DVD of anything I did on the computer, and sometimes it was several backups of the same thing - slightly altering from hour to hour - through a single day.
I have recently found motivation to begin again to make backups to DVD and leaving aside whether to do so is the right thing or the wrong thing, I am sure this re-found motivation arises from my being on a lower dosage of the Risperdal. The things I do seem more of interest (to myself) and better worth recording against loss, so that I can reconstitute records - and specifically it was an image appearing on my website in the recent instance - if they have become degraded or (I suppose) lost completely.
I will speak of something else which has been in my mind. I have since I last uploaded a diary entry to Blogger written two documents on the computer both related to programs I was writing (or was thinking of writing). These are the only documents anything like diary entries I have created. What I'm thinking is if I don't put them in order in my Blogger blog, what becomes of my notion of preserving my doings through the fact of diaried doings being read and thereby passing through the mind of miscellaneous readers? I suppose the answer is that nowadays I do a lot of stuff which does not get diaried so - unless I am able to get back to the state I was in on no medication (of typing-up stuff several times a day and whatever was going through my mind) - why worry?
Having got onto the subject of what I do with my time, I will say that one of the categories of things I spend time doing - on the computer because I enjoy the physical fact of using the computer - are surveys. With these survey companies you rack up points and when you have so many they pay you a small amount or give you a shopping voucher. But it takes a lot of time and attention for only small reward so while the payment is a sweetener a major part of it is the mental activation of reflecting on your answers. I will say that in the past when on no medication questions arose in my mind from myself but coming with such little effort that they appeared to originate from outside myself, these questions making life seem very interesting. I used to send my written-down thoughts - answers to my own questions, as it were - to politicians and imagined they did not fall on deaf ears (but suspected the Civil Servants did not like the communications, mainly that is to Tory MPs). I now know my thoughts in answer to these surveys do not fall on deaf ears (because I receive payment for doing it) even though my 'thoughts' are aggregated with many others and have statistical effect only. But the point is, it's the same sort of thing I'm doing, that is sending my reflections and opinions and feeling it is worthwhile to do it.