07/09/13 07:01 [Saturday]
I have thought on and off about making a diary entry (with the intention of uploading it to my blog) and asking myself (in the introspective way natural to me) why I am setting pen to paper (electronically) now, I note that yesterday I converted my Twitterings for August into a form suitable for publication and uploaded the result to my website colinbrough.co.uk.
For several months now I have been waking up early, on and off: in contradistinction to the way things were when I was on the higher dosage of Risperdal through 2011. I was on 37.5mg of Risperdal Consta injection every two weeks from the time I was in hospital early 2011, but from Thursday 03-Nov-11 it was 25mg every two weeks. The changes I have noticed since coming off the higher dosage - changes which I suspect professionals in the field might deny derived from the drug dosage but would attribute to something within my own nature - have occurred over a period of many months, that is (in fact) over getting on for two years. One of the changes, as I say, is in my sleeping pattern. On the 37.5mg dosage through the summer of 2011, I recall, I was sometimes awake in the night - suffering discomfort in my tummy as often as not - but (having in mind something along the lines that there was no point) I just lay there. This is an example of the effect of dopamine-blockers (which Risperdal is) of reducing the activity level in a manner parallel to the way in depression the activity level is reduced, sometimes to near zero. What I think to myself now in the night when I suffer discomfort in my tummy (or when I wake up for other reasons) is in complete opposition: what I feel now is that it is too boring to lie there so I should get up if there is anything at all I could find to do.
The point I am mainly making, though, is that in this recent period I have been sleeping fewer hours overall and seemingly not suffering any ill effect. In the earlier period I had come off the higher dosage I did wake up early and frequently got up early, but also I went to bed early and if I had not had enough hours of sleep would be tired in the daytime (and would catch up on sleep subsequent nights). I suppose it is still the case that if I get very little sleep I feel tired and catch up as I have just said, but it is also the case that I do not (usually) go to bed so early but still get up early, and get fewer hours of sleep on average while still feeling satisfactorily rested. I put this down to what in my terminology of a few years past I called ‘processing capacity’: that is on the lower dosage of Risperdal I have higher processing capacity and can take in and use more information through the waking hours without the need for such lengthy ‘post-processing’ during dreaming sleep.
I can see that being on the dosage of Risperdal I am on is a help to me, and it interests me to understand - if the lower the dosage of Risperdal the higher the processing capacity - what is wrong with a zero dosage (and I used to be convinced a zero dosage was best, certainly in my own case, and that any dopamine-blocking was negative and a horror). The answer is that with so much dopamine in my head as was in it on a zero dosage of dopamine-blocker, I did do a lot of processing while requiring relatively little sleep, but the fact is I was making mistakes in the processing without in the least suspecting they were mistakes (if I had suspected, then that itself would have elevated the ‘processing requirement’ which I suppose - striving to sort out my suspicions - would have required me to sleep more: indeed would have ensured I slept more, because it would automatically have made me tireder and I would either have slept at night or had to sleep in the daytime). To give a concrete example: when my computer went wrong, instead of understanding the real reason - or guessing and then checking until I found the real reason - I dismissed it with hardly any ‘processing’ as some organisation - ‘the Authorities’ - trying to steal and perhaps succeeding in stealing information from out of the computer, by introducing non-standard software that is some sort of spyware. Looked at from a more global, top-down perspective which I was not capable of in the years before 2011 because of the flood of data from the environment (and from my memories) taking up my processing resources in other ways, it is easy to see that no organisation with such influence and capabilities (able to interfere with the postal system, for one thing) would have any reason to want information from me.
I think I’ve explained that well enough (self-congratulatory preening here: I am lucky to have high natural levels of serotonin so I don’t castigate myself at every opportunity as some with my diagnosis do) and I don’t want to tax readers too much so I will close and defer until another time an exposition more focused on the events in my life the past few weeks.
Saturday, 7 September 2013
Friday, 6 September 2013
Friday, 16 August 2013
What good is money to me?
16/08/13 06:34 [Friday]
I went to bed last night at 8.30 and although I was awake briefly on and off during the night I felt when I got up soon after 4 that I had had enough sleep. Recently I noticed a contrast in my mood from one day to the next, and concluded the marked improvement was due to having a good night’s sleep in between. Now this morning I feel on an even keel and have been revolving questions in my mind in a way impossible if I am lacking sleep (as not infrequently I have been over the past twelve to eighteen months).
What I was thinking about was our finances. We seem to have incurred a lot of expenditure the past month or two, and now we are recovering to a more balanced budget I am asking myself what it is I would wish to spend money on: in effect, what is the point in having money?
One of the conclusions I came to, in fact in trying to establish where the money had gone in recent months, was that we - Dawn too - are eating much better than before April. From mid April we have been on a 5:2 diet in which you are supposed to be dieting only two days out of each week but in practice the book makes suggestions for the ‘non-diet’ days as well. Medical people have verified this diet and, as I say, by restricting your intake of carbohydrates two days a week you can successfully lose weight without suffering adverse health consequences. What I have found is that eating the meals suggested in the book provides such variety of taste and overall food experience that I am much less tempted to eat inappropriately between meals. You are allowed treats between meals, but even the treats are designed to satisfy a desire for varied taste and texture without being too fattening: things like celery and houmous, and low-fat cheeses. It appears to me that the way I used to eat - putting on several stone in weight (this partly blameable on the Risperdal medication though) - was based on being at a loose end and filling time. This still applies, in the sense that I do not have a life which is especially busier than it was, but by eating this diet satisfying a desire for variety I can add interest to life without adding calories. Over four months I have lost just short of a stone, and they do say a steady but continuing loss of weight is a desirable aim, and then the loss is less likely to be easily reversed.
But to go back to the original point of where our money has been going: I noticed that from April our expenditure on food has shot up, and in association I have been making many more trips for food shopping (mainly to Asda at the Merry Hill shopping centre a bus ride away). (I said my life is not especially busier than it was, but to a degree it is since I have been getting more outings to the shops.) The main part of the increased cost to us of food I believe comes from meat. Previously as regards meat I was living almost exclusively on pork and chicken. Now we hardly ever have those meats, but do have a lot of beef and lamb. This in combination with the inclusion of much more fresh veg, and also the use of spices and herbs to improve variety of taste in meals, gives the basis for my saying that I am eating much better.
In summary it is the case that variety of experience provides almost all of what is a pleasure in my life. In the years following the deaths of my parents I could afford to travel about a lot, mainly within Britain and mainly by train, staying in hotels and all this providing variety of experience. I miss doing that. Yesterday I realised the last time I had been far afield and stayed in a hotel was April 2012 when I went to Edinburgh for two nights. Dawn doesn’t like hotels, and it is true we have something of what I like in travelling north (mainly north, although some of the family are in London and nearby) to see her family, and staying in their homes dog-sitting, more often than not. Also we go for day trips to Worcester, which I enjoy.
Anyway, the answer to what by choice I would spend money on - as well, now I think of it, as occasionally updating the technology I own (something again I did rather to excess in the years immediately following 2003) - are more trips to a greater variety of destinations (in Britain except that I would like to see Dublin again), stopping nights away from home as would naturally be appropriate.
Life is pretty good as it is, I have to say, as we do get to travel in going to see Dawn’s family. In fact we have such a trip coming up in the next few weeks, so that is something for me to look forward to.
I went to bed last night at 8.30 and although I was awake briefly on and off during the night I felt when I got up soon after 4 that I had had enough sleep. Recently I noticed a contrast in my mood from one day to the next, and concluded the marked improvement was due to having a good night’s sleep in between. Now this morning I feel on an even keel and have been revolving questions in my mind in a way impossible if I am lacking sleep (as not infrequently I have been over the past twelve to eighteen months).
What I was thinking about was our finances. We seem to have incurred a lot of expenditure the past month or two, and now we are recovering to a more balanced budget I am asking myself what it is I would wish to spend money on: in effect, what is the point in having money?
One of the conclusions I came to, in fact in trying to establish where the money had gone in recent months, was that we - Dawn too - are eating much better than before April. From mid April we have been on a 5:2 diet in which you are supposed to be dieting only two days out of each week but in practice the book makes suggestions for the ‘non-diet’ days as well. Medical people have verified this diet and, as I say, by restricting your intake of carbohydrates two days a week you can successfully lose weight without suffering adverse health consequences. What I have found is that eating the meals suggested in the book provides such variety of taste and overall food experience that I am much less tempted to eat inappropriately between meals. You are allowed treats between meals, but even the treats are designed to satisfy a desire for varied taste and texture without being too fattening: things like celery and houmous, and low-fat cheeses. It appears to me that the way I used to eat - putting on several stone in weight (this partly blameable on the Risperdal medication though) - was based on being at a loose end and filling time. This still applies, in the sense that I do not have a life which is especially busier than it was, but by eating this diet satisfying a desire for variety I can add interest to life without adding calories. Over four months I have lost just short of a stone, and they do say a steady but continuing loss of weight is a desirable aim, and then the loss is less likely to be easily reversed.
But to go back to the original point of where our money has been going: I noticed that from April our expenditure on food has shot up, and in association I have been making many more trips for food shopping (mainly to Asda at the Merry Hill shopping centre a bus ride away). (I said my life is not especially busier than it was, but to a degree it is since I have been getting more outings to the shops.) The main part of the increased cost to us of food I believe comes from meat. Previously as regards meat I was living almost exclusively on pork and chicken. Now we hardly ever have those meats, but do have a lot of beef and lamb. This in combination with the inclusion of much more fresh veg, and also the use of spices and herbs to improve variety of taste in meals, gives the basis for my saying that I am eating much better.
In summary it is the case that variety of experience provides almost all of what is a pleasure in my life. In the years following the deaths of my parents I could afford to travel about a lot, mainly within Britain and mainly by train, staying in hotels and all this providing variety of experience. I miss doing that. Yesterday I realised the last time I had been far afield and stayed in a hotel was April 2012 when I went to Edinburgh for two nights. Dawn doesn’t like hotels, and it is true we have something of what I like in travelling north (mainly north, although some of the family are in London and nearby) to see her family, and staying in their homes dog-sitting, more often than not. Also we go for day trips to Worcester, which I enjoy.
Anyway, the answer to what by choice I would spend money on - as well, now I think of it, as occasionally updating the technology I own (something again I did rather to excess in the years immediately following 2003) - are more trips to a greater variety of destinations (in Britain except that I would like to see Dublin again), stopping nights away from home as would naturally be appropriate.
Life is pretty good as it is, I have to say, as we do get to travel in going to see Dawn’s family. In fact we have such a trip coming up in the next few weeks, so that is something for me to look forward to.
Tuesday, 6 August 2013
Recent events in my life
06/08/13 07:30 [Tuesday]
I have been scanning my diary from July 2004 and I suppose it is this which has led me to think of once again setting down in a diary my day-to-day doings. In recent months - years, in fact - I have felt I should only bother to write stuff down in a blog if I have thought it through and it is something I consider ‘clever’ and which other people might consider clever. However reflecting on events in my life over the past few months - years, in fact - I come to understand readers of my blog (and whether there are any interested enough to ‘follow’ I don’t know but one thing I suspect is that people I used to talk to on the internet in the early 2000s and perhaps friends from longer ago than that may from time to time catch up with what is happening with me, or try to) will have little clue what I am about.
On the other hand I am infected a little by Dawn’s reticence, for example in mentioning events involving members of her family in a blog which is public, and more realistically than in 2009-2010 I am concerned with security of various species (for example in saying where I am going to be from time to time). I have to say these concerns - reticence with information and something which sounds like paranoia over ‘security’ - are typical of the schizophrenic personality type (if I can put it like that) and those of us with genetic predisposition have the personality type even at times we are not diagnosed with the illness.
Also I have more immediate concerns, and specifically I mean putting the kettle on for coffee and in addition making toast, so I shall break here.
06/08/13 07:57
We are hoping to move to the little town south of Doncaster where Dawn grew up and where many of her family still live. She misses her family and I myself can see the desirability of being near someone who can support us as we get older. Our bungalow in Kingswinford has been on the market since late 2011, but the market has been slow. We found a buyer and had arranged to move in early April - even paying the removals firm - but the buyer of our buyer’s house pulled out at the last minute so we are still here. Our buyer is still interested and will move in here if and when he sells his house. In the meantime we have had to put the bungalow back on sale - because there is no telling if the buyer we agreed with can sell his house, or when - and in fact we have a viewing in a day or two from now.
The other thing I find mainly to be in my head this morning is our recent trip to Redcar. We went to look after Dawn’s sister’s dog and house while she was on holiday (with her partner and others) and in truth it was a holiday for us too. Redcar, for those who may not know (and I didn’t until say eighteen months ago), is by the sea, but it is no longer a very popular resort because the region is heavily industrial.
Dog-sitting is something we find ourselves doing occasionally, and when we go to see Dawn’s family (for the purpose of dog-sitting or otherwise) we also try to catch up with other friends of Dawn’s in the area. I get to spend time with other people when under other circumstances I might be on my own a lot. In fact for the first year Dawn was living near her family and not with me - she ‘ran off’ as I put it in the summer of 2010 because of my outlandish behaviour before I was on the present medication - that is when I was seeing nothing of her, I used to go to a day centre on the basis that without that life would be completely empty. (I have to say though that the seeming emptiness of my life that year was largely caused by the higher dosage of Risperdal I was on. I would stress to professionals - if I were ever in a position to tell them - that while dopamine-blocking drugs have very desirable effects at the right dosage it is essential to find the right dosage for the individual.)
Many days over recent months I find myself doing the shopping, mainly at Merry Hill shopping centre. This gets me out when I might be bored at home, and another piece of advice I would give (if it were within my remit) is that however lacking in motivation patients might be it is a very good thing if they can engage in some variety. The thing I would also say, though, is that they should strive - possibly with professional help - to find some way of getting this variety which suits them and does not make them over-anxious or negative in other ways. I say that because in the 1980s I was compelled to go to a day centre which I detested and which made me very anxious and very depressed - given the medication I was on and the dosage, a major contributing factor in my unhappy state of mind - because my psychiatrist did not want me at home doing nothing all day every day and he did not strive to accommodate my own interests and inclinations.
What I gather from my Twitter feed is that many people think present-day mental health services are failing in numerous ways, but my experience is that the way patients are treated is immensely better than some decades ago. The fundamental reason is that patients have a voice and the powers-that-be listen to what they want and what they don’t want. Some of this improvement comes thanks to technology: that is people who may be backward in coming forward find it easier to have their say on some version of computer forum, and even before social media took off there was the possibility of using technology to survey the wishes and experience of mental health patients in such a way that the results were accurate and meaningful (instead of the patient mumbling ‘I’m OK’ meaning ‘Leave me alone’).
I have been scanning my diary from July 2004 and I suppose it is this which has led me to think of once again setting down in a diary my day-to-day doings. In recent months - years, in fact - I have felt I should only bother to write stuff down in a blog if I have thought it through and it is something I consider ‘clever’ and which other people might consider clever. However reflecting on events in my life over the past few months - years, in fact - I come to understand readers of my blog (and whether there are any interested enough to ‘follow’ I don’t know but one thing I suspect is that people I used to talk to on the internet in the early 2000s and perhaps friends from longer ago than that may from time to time catch up with what is happening with me, or try to) will have little clue what I am about.
On the other hand I am infected a little by Dawn’s reticence, for example in mentioning events involving members of her family in a blog which is public, and more realistically than in 2009-2010 I am concerned with security of various species (for example in saying where I am going to be from time to time). I have to say these concerns - reticence with information and something which sounds like paranoia over ‘security’ - are typical of the schizophrenic personality type (if I can put it like that) and those of us with genetic predisposition have the personality type even at times we are not diagnosed with the illness.
Also I have more immediate concerns, and specifically I mean putting the kettle on for coffee and in addition making toast, so I shall break here.
06/08/13 07:57
We are hoping to move to the little town south of Doncaster where Dawn grew up and where many of her family still live. She misses her family and I myself can see the desirability of being near someone who can support us as we get older. Our bungalow in Kingswinford has been on the market since late 2011, but the market has been slow. We found a buyer and had arranged to move in early April - even paying the removals firm - but the buyer of our buyer’s house pulled out at the last minute so we are still here. Our buyer is still interested and will move in here if and when he sells his house. In the meantime we have had to put the bungalow back on sale - because there is no telling if the buyer we agreed with can sell his house, or when - and in fact we have a viewing in a day or two from now.
The other thing I find mainly to be in my head this morning is our recent trip to Redcar. We went to look after Dawn’s sister’s dog and house while she was on holiday (with her partner and others) and in truth it was a holiday for us too. Redcar, for those who may not know (and I didn’t until say eighteen months ago), is by the sea, but it is no longer a very popular resort because the region is heavily industrial.
Dog-sitting is something we find ourselves doing occasionally, and when we go to see Dawn’s family (for the purpose of dog-sitting or otherwise) we also try to catch up with other friends of Dawn’s in the area. I get to spend time with other people when under other circumstances I might be on my own a lot. In fact for the first year Dawn was living near her family and not with me - she ‘ran off’ as I put it in the summer of 2010 because of my outlandish behaviour before I was on the present medication - that is when I was seeing nothing of her, I used to go to a day centre on the basis that without that life would be completely empty. (I have to say though that the seeming emptiness of my life that year was largely caused by the higher dosage of Risperdal I was on. I would stress to professionals - if I were ever in a position to tell them - that while dopamine-blocking drugs have very desirable effects at the right dosage it is essential to find the right dosage for the individual.)
Many days over recent months I find myself doing the shopping, mainly at Merry Hill shopping centre. This gets me out when I might be bored at home, and another piece of advice I would give (if it were within my remit) is that however lacking in motivation patients might be it is a very good thing if they can engage in some variety. The thing I would also say, though, is that they should strive - possibly with professional help - to find some way of getting this variety which suits them and does not make them over-anxious or negative in other ways. I say that because in the 1980s I was compelled to go to a day centre which I detested and which made me very anxious and very depressed - given the medication I was on and the dosage, a major contributing factor in my unhappy state of mind - because my psychiatrist did not want me at home doing nothing all day every day and he did not strive to accommodate my own interests and inclinations.
What I gather from my Twitter feed is that many people think present-day mental health services are failing in numerous ways, but my experience is that the way patients are treated is immensely better than some decades ago. The fundamental reason is that patients have a voice and the powers-that-be listen to what they want and what they don’t want. Some of this improvement comes thanks to technology: that is people who may be backward in coming forward find it easier to have their say on some version of computer forum, and even before social media took off there was the possibility of using technology to survey the wishes and experience of mental health patients in such a way that the results were accurate and meaningful (instead of the patient mumbling ‘I’m OK’ meaning ‘Leave me alone’).
Monday, 5 August 2013
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