Closer Understanding

The night before this night just ended - that is, the night between Wednesday and Thursday - I got up in the middle of the night and flushed a lot of bread down the toilet, mainly Hovis bought a day or two previous from Sainsbury’s Merry Hill. I did this because I felt effects of drugs - a combination of stimulant and ASM [antischizophrenic medication] - and not understanding why I should continue to be drugged, was fearful - certainly suspicious - that the intention was to entrap me in continuing drugging such as I have suffered in the past. The way this has been perpetrated was to reduce my ability to think for myself, that is my ability to take into account longer range considerations in forming decisions what to do. Certain mixtures of stimulant and ASM have this effect on me, of reducing or zeroing my ability to take account of longer range considerations. It is the antischizophrenic component of the mixture which causes this problem, and with no stimulant admixed (or insufficient stimulant) I become very little active because I find little to motivate me. Under ordinary circumstances - that is, undrugged - the motivations I find for taking action relate exclusively to longer range considerations, that is longer term into the future. I know there are other motivations to be found - for example enjoyment of food - and when I have been on some combinations of drugs - notably in the early years of the new Millennium, that is from about the year 2000 on for a year or two - I have performed activities based on such motivations. Unfortunately I was nowhere near as happy under those circumstances, that is without my usual longer range motivations.
A further problem arising out of my particular history, from being given drugs which deprive me of longer range motivations, is that I become too subject to advice given by speaking to me when I am less than fully aware. (I have reason to believe such advice has been given when my awareness has been subdued - for example I have been heavily asleep, perhaps - by a drug like opium.) Because I have no genuine motivations arising within myself (that is, because the drugs I have been given when this has occurred have removed the motivation available from longer range considerations), when I am given stimulant drugs affecting me in the waking period (usually the daytime but sometimes I have been kept wakeful at night) which give me a feeling of drive which if not put into effect causes frustration (which can manifest in angry outbursts) and certainly distraction (in that the stimulant while in my metabolism puts me constantly on the look-out for action I might take), if I am given suggestion akin to hypnotic suggestion I act on that suggestion too readily.
Thus what has happened is that my ability to think for myself has been reduced near to zero with antischizophrenic drugs and then the actions I take have been too subject to the suggestion I have mentioned, akin to hypnotic suggestion. This suggestion has been used to persuade me to purchase foodstuffs which have been drugged, this leading to continuation in the entrapment I refer to. It has been more difficult to evade the entrapment when there have been fewer choices of places to shop for food: for example in the Harworth area of Nottinghamshire where we (my wife and I) had our park home and where we came close to settling permanently. Where we are living now in Kingswinford, there are so many easily accessible food stores that slight randomisation in our purchasing of food has a very beneficial effect in negativing any ‘hypnotic’ suggestion. The upshot is that those wishing to persuade me to continue to take in drugged foods and drinks find it impossible. Sometimes still when I do not see things as clearly as this morning I have fear of entrapment, for example through drugging of our water supply from South Staffs Water (which I am sure is a thing capable of being done and which has been done in months past).
The question why these people wish me to continue to take drugs of this nature - reducing near to zero my ability to think for myself - is one I find difficulty answering, and I suppose there must be complex factors arising out of my history. I was first given antischizophrenic drugs in the 1970s as part of a scheme to try to ‘treat’ the schizoid personality I had, which those giving the drugs seemingly felt was undesirable in itself (it is a widely held view that to be sociable is desirable) and probably felt might lead to schizophrenia with ‘positive’ symptoms which would be more widely agreed to be undesirable. Unfortunately they had insufficient understanding of the effects of the drugs given, as well as insufficient understanding of schizoid personality and of schizophrenia, and moreover they were very negligent in not assaying (at all, it seems to me, incredible though this may sound) the effects in practice of giving me the drugs surreptitiously.
The consequence of this sequence of drug administration - first surreptitiously, as I say, and in 1980, and subsequently, by compulsion (this leading through the effect on my ability to think for myself to continued acceptance by me of the abusive drugs) - was that I was under treatment with these drugs for almost twenty-five years.
In 2003 after my parents died I left the town where I had lived since the age of three and went to live in Retford in Nottinghamshire (although I have now returned to Kingswinford). Regrettably the people following the course of the treatment I had been receiving (successors to the original perpetrators from the time I was a student at Cambridge University) took the view that I needed to have antischizophrenic medication. I presume the reasons they had were not unethical reasons but rather were related to their mistaken way of understanding schizophrenia and its treatment. The sequence which followed from the time I started living in Retford was that in 2004 I was given powerful stimulant drugs which (in combination with antischizophrenic drugs given at the same time) caused me to behave in a confused and sometimes aggressive-seeming manner which resulted in the September in my arrest in Bristol and conveyance (under circumstances which I myself deplore extremely) back to Nottinghamshire and in fact to detention in Bassetlaw Hospital.
While in hospital there I met Dawn who is now my wife. The people following the course of my life and who had power (evidently) to order that I be given drugs, sometimes surreptitiously and sometimes by compulsion (when I was under a ‘section’ of the Mental Health Act improperly applied, in my view), seemingly felt that my choice of Dawn as a marriage partner was undesirable. Factors accidentally arising - for example the ‘talking-therapy’ treatment which had been applied around Easter of 2004 to a friend I had made on the internet (Caroline, who lived in Bristol) which had most unfortunate consequences for her and for me (again blameable on the mistaken way psychiatrists in Britain - including those promoting ‘talking-therapy’ treatments, evidently - have of understanding schizophrenia) - led now to a sort of panic in those following the course of my life (mistakenly believing I was schizophrenic and that they were gathering knowledge of the life of someone schizophrenic under treatment for schizophrenia in an ordinary British scheme of treatment). This is the best way I can find to explain events. In 2004 I had lost a lot of money online gambling, this resulting from the drugs I had been given (and possibly from ‘hypnotising’ advice in combination), and as I say Caroline had been caused a lot of heartache and general distress from the foolish treatment she had been subject to, so the perpetrators must have panicked, coming close to realising the error of their ways and (perhaps having the mens rea as I have suggested recently and surely having regret for the sequence resulting from their inadequate understanding) feeling they must brave things out and try to promote (or prove, as they may have presented it to themselves) the diagnosis I had of schizophrenia thus justifying the treatment I had been meted.
My fears change according to the mixtures of drugs I am given from time to time, but this morning I feel that surely what is going on now is not a further attempt to entrap me but rather an endeavour to obtain evidence, directly on the effects of drugs given to me surreptitiously (for example in recent days in bread) and further from what I say about events over the years, and from documents I produce (and publish on the internet) relating to what has happened over the years.

Sainsbury's gives rise to thinking

The following thoughts have followed as a consequence of what I observed in Sainsbury’s Birmingham city centre this afternoon, where we ended up shopping for food after initially going to Stourbridge (to get money from the building society) and then thinking we might go to Wolverhampton but that the wait for the bus would have been so long.

When we arrived at the Sainsbury’s in question a policeman was inside, and while from what I heard there was a supposed reason for him being there unrelated to us, my presumption close to certainty is that he was on duty because we might well turn up there. When I went to the soft drinks chill cabinet thinking to buy something like Red Bull, standing by was a seeming Sainsbury’s man with a trolley stacked with drinks of the sort I might ordinarily buy, that is stimulant drinks and Lucozade. The best theory I can find in explanation of this - especially given that the trolley was wheeled away as soon as I had left the area - was that the drinks in the chill cabinet (the ones at the front, perhaps) contained drugs and the trolley was to replace them with undrugged versions.

What I have reflected on this is that while what is being done bears a great resemblance to ‘the Experiment’ in 1980 and 1983-84 (including the contribution from BBC and other TV presenters, although we watch little nowadays), because of the context now - me living in my own home with a helpful wife instead of parents who were misadvised - much more effort has to be put in to distort the environment and to get drugs into me (particularly since I have sense to distrust the tapwater). This means that many more people from different walks of life are in the know - for example Sainsbury’s staff and managers, and police officers - and I think and hope this means that hole-in-the-corner abuse such as my detention on a mental ward in a remote district for months, or even harsh treatment in police cells for eighteen hours say, is unlikely to re-occur. On the presumption (a pretty certain presumption) that senior police officers are aware that I am - if I do not practise successful evasion - foisted foods containing mind-altering drugs, I think it is not so much a question of using techniques of mind-alteration (including the drugs) to get me by hook or by crook into a mental ward again, as to see whether I feel the help of mental doctors - or any doctors - would be any good, and in general how I react and what it is I fear.

The answer is plain: what I fear is treatment for mental illness (and in particular, drug treatment) and confinement under the jurisdiction of only medical people; and as regards the police, even though Nottinghamshire police behaved wrongly (presumably due to some misguided senior officer) and the Police Complaints Commission are dragging their feet, nonetheless I would much rather trust myself to police to be looked after than to mental doctors who as I have said before couldn’t pass the Eleven-Plus.

Sara Lee gateau

I have eaten some of a Sara Lee chocolate gateau bought yesterday at Sainsbury’s Merry Hill and now what I was thinking of as ‘stimulant’ effects - such as hot and sore eyes, and sore throat - seem more evident. I think most likely these effects have grown due to drugs in the gateau (otherwise they are somehow rearing up again from drugs taken in yesterday) but the main point is that my attention is drawn - powerfully, based on the degree of effects suffered over the years and hence feared for the future - to pondering whether there are drugs in the gateau, and more generally how I could live my life to be free of such risk. This means my mind is taken away from what it would be enjoying dwelling on - computer modelling of perceptual processes, or whatever - to have to ‘process’ for this problem foisted on me in continuance of what I have suffered in the past. And I have not contracted to engage in such use of my mind: I have all along been press-ganged. This is apart from actual reduction in the enjoyment I can get from my mind if I am given antidopamine drugs. Also, trying to combat these interferences - especially when, given antischizophrenic drugs, I could not plan out such an efficient means - has cost me money. For example the fine I am having to pay based on my leaving the motor caravan last June blocking the entrance to Solihull railway station car-park. I had hoped by taking that action to terminate the interference in my life - this was it basically - by bringing the facts out in open Court. It hasn’t quite turned out thus, for one thing because solicitors I consulted were pre-advised (by ‘the Authorities’) that I was not to be given impartial help. Rose, Williams declined to assist at all and John Spence of Silks (although not appearing on Silks’ books and one must conclude specially briefed by ‘the Authorities’ instead of being an entirely independent solicitor acting for me) offered to charge £1000 and gave no indication he would forward the matter in the terms I required (he started off by saying he would quibble over police evidence, not at all to the point required).

I conclude the only way to be more or less certain of taking in no drugs would be to drink natural water - from the river or collected on our own land - and eat only food produced ourselves.